Parenting really is the most difficult job in the world. . .well, tougher than any job I've ever had! And I've always been a pretty hard worker, since a very young age. Maybe not so much in my last few years in the tech industry. .but that is a different post.
Sometimes I think I don't know if I could manage a second one. I choose to do things that may be a lot harder (attachment parenting), but well worth it. Rarely is the best choice the easy way, no pain no gain and all that. I can't imagine how people who work outside the home or go to school while having children do it. I suppose they must really let some things go, and I don't blame them one bit. It is exhausting just to think about! I just don't know if I could be happy with myself if I wasn't doing the best job I possibly could for my children. That is who I am, for better or for worse.
I think about all this stuff a lot, which is how I came to write this post. I often think there is NO WAY I could have another child unless I got some help. A second set of hands, basically, like a mother's helper maybe. Someone who could just follow me around and help. What a dream come true that would be! Or maybe it would be more trouble than it's worth, I don't know. All I do know is I wish I could have lots of children. . .five would be nice, but it is just so difficult doing it mostly alone. Sure, my husband helps in the evening and on weekends, but that is not enough. I can totally understand why people used to live with extended family, and why they say, "it takes a village to raise a child." I can see how ideal that would be, especially during the newborn days.
Ironically, I have a few relatives in North America, but am hardly in contact with them at all. My mother is a nightmare and most of the time wants nothing to do with me, and never wanted a grandchild (V is her only). . .. one of my sisters is a junkie, so she is in her own horrible world, and the other I do speak to and see, albeit rarely as she doesn't live very close by. I was very close with my father, but he died when I was 16 (he and I had been living together since I was 12.) I've been living alone since then.
My husband immigrated here from Scotland in his early 20s and has no family here at all, save for a couple distant relatives on the other side of the country that we don't speak to.
We both have hardly any friends, very few as we're quite private and picky people. Which means we've basically raised our daughter alone. We've never had a babysitter, or anyone watch her, or anything like that. I am SO ENVIOUS when I read about people who have parents around or friends or whatever. . . .and when they complain about being burned out. . .I can understand of course, cause breaks away do wear off, but still. . .I've NEVER had a break.
*sigh*
And this is why I don't know how I could have another unless I had some help. Or maybe I will just wait till V starts school so at least I have days off to dedicate to the next little one. Though at my age (31), that would mean I wouldn't really get to have 5 without going into risky territory. I am very thankful to have what I do, though. V is a gift from the gods and I treasure her greatly.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
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5 comments:
I'm sort of in the same boat without any help from family.
I don't talk to my mom anymore either. I don't know what your mom's like but mine has this thing that I only found out about in the last couple of years -- NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) -- it's a very destructive and dysfunctional relationship to have in my life. When such a destructive personality is in my life "helping", I find that it's harder to deal with than actually doing it all myself. When I was pregnant with my son and my daughter was just a year old, my mother tried to "help" during my pregnancy and she'd do things that were really mean and spiteful. She'd try to make me feel self-conscious about how I'd be after I had my second baby (she told me I'd be really really fat, I'd be in plus-sized clothing -- which I knew wouldn't be true b/c I'm back in a size 5/6 now -- but who says that kind of stuff to a pregnant woman?). Whatever! And she'd pull stuff like saying to my daughter that I'm a bad mom and I didn't care about my daughter because my daughter's hands were dirty (I've read that not keeping a child's hands pristinely clean actually helps to build their immune system). Meanwhile, I was still working freelance in my busiest season, 32 weeks pregnant, and she'd come to my house to "help" and expect to be entertained. She'd "help" by supervising me watching my daughter and criticizing everything I do because they weren't done exactly as how she'd do it. For example, she'd say that I was "stupid" for wiping my daughter's bum for every diaper change because there was "only pee" and I should just put a new diaper on without wiping with a wet cloth. And then she'd say that I know nothing about how to care for a child because I don't know enough and I wipe her bum all the time. And then, talking behind my back to my brother and his wife about how she was suffering SO much because she's coming over EVERY FREAKING AFTERNOON (which I told her not to do because I hate someone watching me constantly and what's the point of her coming over and "helping" she'd only come over when my daughter was napping when I could be getting work done). And she'd claim that she "had" to be there to "show me" what to do because I "know nothing" about how to care for a child.
She'd "help" by yelling at me infront of my daughter because I didn't do something exactly the way SHE wanted.
She'd "help" by timing it so that she'd arrive when my daughter was just going down for a nap, and then criticizing how dirty my carpets were. I'm trying to meet work deadlines while the little one's napping and this woman's forcing me to move all my stuff to make sure my carpets are getting shampooed once a week because I'm "such a slob" because I had spots on my carpet (keep in mind, I was very far into my pregnancy at this time, taking care of my toddler, and working freelance).
And then, when I was pregnant, she'd "help" by taking my daughter and me for a walk and her way of "helping" was to push the stroller and walk really far ahead of me and tell me I'm out of shape (because I was 7 months pregnant and I couldn't walk as fast because of round ligament pains). My mother has been overweight for decades now and has type 2 diabetes because she's been negligent with her diet. She used my pregnancy to try to say I'm overweight because she weighed less than I did while I was 7 months pregnant. She "helped" by trying to make me step on the scale after she did to show me that she weighed 10 lbs less than me when I was 7 months pregnant. My weight was well within the average range for my height and stage of pregnancy. Again...whatever!
And then, the grand finale of why I don't talk to her anymore...
The ONE and ONLY thing I really really needed her help with was to look after my daughter for ONE day while I was in the hospital for the actual hours of delivery so my husband could be there when our second child arrived in this world. She had volunteered to do this before. It was the one and only thing I really needed her to do. All the rest of it throughout the pregnancy, I didn't need any help and I would've been better off without any of the "help".
So what does she do? She holds it over my head. She tries to go through my bag with my bank statements and tax papers to see how much I make. I don't know if you've ever dealt with any personalities like this but you gotta have boundaries when dealing with them. People with NPD aren't only abusive but they also carry around a sense of entitlement...all that you've worked for and have belongs to them. If she finds out how much I make, she will blab to everyone she knows about my finances, AND she will find ways to spend every dime I make for me. (Hey, look, another way my mother can help...she can "help" me spend my money -- gee, I couldn't have done that without her...). I stop her from going through my papers and she says, "If we have that kind of relationship, I'm not going to look after (my daughter) anymore..."
These are my boundaries.
She tried to cross those boundaries knowing that she had something to hold over me. If she wasn't allowed to cross my boundaries when I needed her, then she'd leave me hanging for something that was so important to my husband, me and our daughter.
This was 2 weeks before my due date. I was furious. This is blackmail and I WILL NOT be blackmailed. And I will no longer be subjected to abuse because I need any of that kind of "help". I told her to leave and I've stopped taking any of her calls and my mother knows she's not welcomed here anymore.
My daughter was going through stranger anxiety at the time and it took her a long time to become accustomed to someone to stay with them. I'd let my guard down and I let her build a relationship with a toxic, unreliable person and, in the end, this person let us down.
So I ended up flying solo at the hospital for my delivery while my husband was at home to look after our toddler. It wasn't too bad, I had a great OB and the hospital staff was very supportive of our situation.
The whole ordeal really taught me the importance of independence and making plans for everything that don't rely on unreliable, toxic people.
There was a time when I looked upon the situation with disappointment and sadness that my family is so dysfunctional and all the dysfunction stemmed from my mother. Since then, I've developed a new perspective. I've gathered up all my will, I still work freelance now (I put in about 40 to 50 hours a week), I care for my little ones who are both under 2, I sleep very little -- but it's never felt so damned good. I know I've worked really hard for everything I have and I feel a sense of accomplishment. I'm much happier now than I ever have been in my life, without that twisted version of "help" from my side of the family.
In my case, I was better off doing all of it on my own, I don't feel like I've had to give up anything other than some sleep -- small price to pay for not having exposing my children and husband to toxic people.
Sorry for the long comment. I could write so much about this topic of getting help from our families. All I'm saying is that it's do-able, it's a lot of hard work, but it feels so good for the soul.
Allison, what a coincidence! That is exactly what I think my mother has. A friend, after years of reading my personal blog (livejournal), and reading stuff about my mother, pointed that out to me. I read a lot about it online and it was uncanny -- I do think that is what she has. She doesn't do the same things your mother does, but similar.
The things I could tell you! She is very abusive, self-centered, has stolen from me, yes, talks behind my back. . ..when my parents divorced when I was 12 I chose to go with my father. I moved in with my mother later, my father died. . I moved out at 16. Moved back in when I was 19 and undergoing extreme hardship. . .moved BACK out after about a year or less. All that time up till now I've gone through periods of not speaking with her. Sometimes she imposes them, sometimes I do.
It's been almost a year now since she told me she never wants to see me or hear from me again (though she called me a couple months later to take it back. . .. ) yet I refuse. You are right in saying that they are very toxic influences, and frankly, with my own family to take care of, I don't have time for the drama and tears. After all these years it still tears me up when she speaks to me so horribly, when she does horrible things. She was speaking badly about me to my baby when she was just a few months old saying stuff like, "your mother is crazy!" All my life she'd say stuff like that to me and about me, that I am so weird, that I am weak (for crying when she is mean to me. .. ), that if she was as weak as me she'd kill herself (no wonder I was suicidal for years, my own mother acts as if she hates me and at times told me she really doesn't like me at all. .. .
You know when you're a little kid and you get upset with your parents and you say you hate them? Now, at 31, I can say I genuinely pretty much hate her. At least, I do not like her. Not the person she is, not the influence she's had in my life. She's hardly ever been a mother to me, from the moment of birth (my father raised me), and she can burn in hell :)
p.s. I am really sorry to hear your mother is toxic as mine is but you're right that the triumph is managing without them. It is unfortunate we can't have great mothers in our lives cause they COULD be such a help, but it is better to not deal with them despite their toxicity, I think. I have two sisters who continually forgive my mother, yet are tortured by it. What kind of life is that?
Yup, I've been through several rounds of cut-off with my mother. Feeling suicidal as a teenager -- yup, been there, too.
Have you ever read this blog about narcissists?
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/
It's given me a lot of insight.
I'm so sorry you were wound up in a situation where you had to go back to your toxic mother. I imagine that she was a lot worse each time you went back. I can imagine that coming from someone with NPD.
My mother did the thing with saying I was weird, too, that there was something "wrong" with me. She was often abusive towards me about why I couldn't be "normal". Looking back at it somewhat objectively now, I think maybe she was right -- that I was a little "weird" and perceived the world a little differently than most people -- but I think I was that way because the basis for all relationships (the one between mother and child) was skewed by abusive behaviour from Day 1.
I've made a pact with myself that I'm going to do everything in my power to be the best possible mother I could be to my kids.
Wow, we really do have some things in common.
I too am trying to be the best mother I can possibly be. . .a lot of people say they don't appreciate their parents till they have children themselves, but I bet you're like me in that it just becomes even more shocking, as parents ourselves, to realize how we were treated. There are so many things I think of that I am doing so very differently for V.
As an aside, it is nice to get to know you; thank you so much for sharing.
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