Sometimes I wish I could rewind my life. Although it's unlikely (I believe it may be possible, haha!) I still harbor a desire for it and sometimes fantasize about what I'd do differently.
Don't get me wrong: I love my current life. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have a healthy and wonderful daughter and husband. I love being a stay-at-home-mom so very, very much. I feel as if I was designed to be in this role, it feels so right! Yet there are parts of my past I wish I could do over. It's not just wandering thoughts either. I have dreams about horrible things in my past, things I have done or experienced. My thoughts linger after these dreams, or when something triggers a particularly poignant memory.
It also goes beyond single memories. There are years of my life I'd live completely differently if I could. I can't believe how unhealthy I was (I smoked so much), how I let some people treat me, how I treated some others, how I lived such a stressed out life for so many years that it practically paralyzed me. . ..for years I lived day to day without much of a long-term outlook, just hanging on for dear life. If only I could go back and lift myself up, get myself to a naturopath sooner, get myself into a gym, quit smoking, been smarter with money. . .been smarter with those I chose to associate myself with. Quit being part of that cult far sooner. If I could, I would have lived a completely different life in my 20s. Perhaps even my teens. Yet then I think of how much I love my life now, and how people say you wouldn't be who you are if you weren't who you were. . .
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I would save my father's life. He died when I was 16 in a stupid home accident. I had to live on my own after that and life was pretty hard. Losing a parent is hard enough; when you lose one when you still need them it's even worse.
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I would get my junkie crack whore sister into rehab when she was abusing "lighter" drugs like pharmaceuticals. I think she's too fargone now to reach out to, but there was a window when I could have. I did try a few years ago, but even then she was too messed up. I'd have to go back to our teens to help her.
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I would have gone to school to be a chef rather than a graphic designer. I was a great designer, but I'm not suited for office environments. I spent my adolescence working in kitchens and I really fit in there, and loved the craziness. Plus I am a damn fine cook (I know my strengths as well as weaknesses!) I just know it would have suited me better as a lifelong career.
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I would not have dated most of the guys I did.
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That's all I can think of for today. Care to share what you'd do differently?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
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7 comments:
You could still go to school to learn to be a chef. I think a lot of colleges have childcare programs while you're in class.
Don't look back. Just look forward. You can do anything you want to do. Looking back, there's always only regret. Looking forward is exercising your right to self-determination.
Aw that's so sweet, thank you :)
I have talked to my husband about possibly opening a restaurant sometime in the future. When our children (hopefully we'll have more) are a bit older. I would want to have some professional training as well. I started to write that in this post but then felt I was veering off topic so stuck with the regrets, haha :)
Those last two lines of yours are really wise. Hm.
Yet looking back is also sometimes a source of joy. I guess it can be anything.
I would have spent more time with my mother, and showed her my love more, and tried to remember that life is short.
I would definitely wipe a bunch of guys out of my past, given a chance.
I would have been more concerned with being nice and less concerned with being popular in school.
And I would have treated everybody with respect instead of being a bully when I was younger.
Good, bad or ugly, I wouldn't change anything about my past. Because doing so would change who I am today -- you learn from every single experience. It's nice to reminisce and roll your eyes, though!
So, no rewinding for me.
Don't forget life is short. Don't wait too long to pursue your dreams...
Bitsy: You sound like one of those 'Mean Girls'! Sorry about your mom.
Carly: I am living my dream! Yet there are things I'd trade to have my father live a bit longer and to save my sister from her wasted life.
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